I hope you Understand

Dear Tau,

I thought I may not have enough time to speak with you. Though paper is more patient than man, but please listen to this.

I don’t want to fight with any of the people who have been coming to tell you stories because of so many reasons but am sad because they will eventually make you abandon me and join their side giving them what they were looking for when all these issues started stirring up. I will be very sad to quit at this stage because I have never been this honest with a woman. I think you have made me be the man I am supposed to be because you inspired me to greater heights that’s why I love you with every bit of my life. And to this, I will always do even if you still exist or not.

Let me be realistic with you that I don’t hold any grudge whatsoever against your sister. I beg to be forgiven if possible. Those that feed her with the wrong information and how they provided it, are my main cause of prayer for all the atrocities and torture afflicted on me. Wanting to advance their self interests on you. Remember how you warned me about him (JM) you told me mwachimvekele Tau kuti he could get on to me even I least expect him. See what is happening? Who knows he has not fed your sister with too much info about me? He claims to have heard so much about me from people he did not mention.

I have been thinking a lot since all these things started brewing up.  I have lived an honest life Tau. I never lied or made it a secret to you about the situation of my life and we have always strived for the truth in our relationship. With or without you, my issues were still going to be sorted out. If this is all about sorting out my stuff. things are gonna get better and all issues people are talking about will be sorted out not because of you but because they were bound to be sorted out anyway. In every good relationship, there is stuff that comes in to distract your attention from the love. Any genuine love will be tasted and the stronger/deeper the love is, the stronger the temptation or distraction is gonna be. Be strong bae, please be strong if not for me then for love.

                                                                                                                                                        

I find it very unfair to be going through this not because we (you and me) have wronged each other, but because people have come in to make sure that we part ways. Are you sure we should get punished for peoples talk? The reason why this is disturbing us both is because we are both in love with each other. But be very careful with society though. Sometimes it can force us make decisions not because we wanted to but because we want to buy our peace/freedom.

When trust is lost in a relationship, then all is lost. I still have trust and belief in you kuti you are going to judge and understand me from the simple truth and openness I have been to you. I don’t know who to trust now apart from you. You are the only person who I strongly believe I should give my trust because in all this, you have not let me down not a single time. I might have my mistakes in life, but I beg not to be condemned and thrown to the Lions. I ought to be understood and corrected. Let us be together.

I will be going into hibernation and total low profile with my 100% love for you, just to pave enough space for you to make hefty progress in healing from all this. I will leave it to you that when you feel like talking to me again, you can call me. I will bear the pain Tau, I will bear the pain.

You will remain my love of all time.

Sent: Friday 22 February 2013 

Friday 22 February

Friday 22 February......... 06:52:34 pm

The text came along....... She has let it loose, She has dropped the rope. She can't hold on to it again... She was my only strength but this means that its over.... 

It this true? i wiped my eyes just to make sure I have a good site and read properly what was written. "Davie I know this is hard but I feel this relationship has no future there is just too much opposition that I can't bear any more. Forgive me, but I have no option" Does this mention of ending the relationship or she is just under so much pressure that she just need space? Come on Davie read the writing on the wall. She is quitting only that she can't tell you in a direct way. Maybe she is afraid of what you would do if she is abit harsh in telling you this.... My brain raced and couldn't sleep all night. Trying to think if this was real. Comparing to the sweet moments and times we had and the damage we have had to the relationship, I failed to convince myself that she could be ending the relationship. But another thought though of the shame, embarrassment, psychological trauma of the insults and ridicule she has received at the expense of trying to save this relationship. I felt for her. I understood even how more confused she was before sending me that. How confused at the thought of letting me go just like that. She could be feeling like persecuting someone who is so innocent such that doesn't deserve the punishment. She is human I know and she has not forgotten how rosy and sweet this affair was. I UNDERSTAND YOU GAL. 

Words are failing me now. Can't write more than this for I am very devastated .... I still feel so much love for this girl even though she has told me this..... Three days since she broke the news, I still feel great and much love for her. I don't have reason enough to blame her or live by her negatives in the way she has handled it all.

She still remain the best woman ever

Quotes

Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, someone they need, or something they thought was meant to be.  But it is these losses that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities.

In life you’ll realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
 
Keep people in your life who truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, enhance you, and make you happy.  If you know people who do none of these things, let them go.

Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off.  It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.

The most beautiful thing is to see a person you love smiling.  And even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason behind it.

The one who is meant for you encourages you to be your best, but still loves and accepts you at your worst.

If you feel like your ship is sinking, it might be a good time to throw out the stuff that’s been weighing it down.  Let go of people who bring you down, and surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you.

When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option but a priority.  Loyalty is everything.

When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it is time to let go.

True love isn’t about being inseparable; it’s about two people being true to each other even when they are separated.

When someone gives you their time, they are giving you a portion of their life that they will never get back.  It’s one of the most precious gifts you can receive.  Don’t waste it.
Good relationships are not just about the good times you share; they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end.

Hanging on to a thin thread.... Praying that I don't lose my love.

It really isn't stopping to rain and pouring .... Looks like there are alot of people still talking about me. Some even getting manipulated in the process.

Lord ndathedwa nzeru please be my judge and help me out of this mess. Will always exalt your name and honor you.

A phone call that saved my life

Each time I hear of someone committing suicide for any reason, my mind always rushed to condemning them and label the person as weak minded, in human and/or even someone who has no brains at all.

On that Saturday 16^th February, there was no option left for me on the table but consider suicide as the only brave way a broken heart could find solace in.

Reported for duty that morning, with so much grief and pain that conquered my heart. Trying to concentrate on the job, my head kept on skipping the main purpose why I was at the office?  Most of my time was occupied with all sorts of sweet evil thoughts. Thought of resigning from my work but what I was going to do after that, sent shivers of fear to my brain.

Just at the thought of losing her, my mind got whispers so loud such that even how tight I closed my ears with my palms, I could still hear them. How could life be without her? NO - this can't be .... with tears rolling my cheeks.

Knocked off at 12:45 pm. All this time, I had someone speaking to me. I call him - the Unseen and Silent companion. He kept on firing questions at me. And the more this happened, the more confused I was. Finally, he convinced me to go via the Blantyre market as I was heading home. I branched off to the market, went past the benches without spotting what exactly I wanted to get from there. From far, I saw a bench selling exactly what I was looking for -  The Tamek - With a faint voice, I asked the seller how much they were fetching, K30, K50, K100 and K300. The hundred Kwacha one will do, I thought to myself. Bought one and headed home.

Went strait to the bedroom and laid in bed. So weak and confused I started thinking of how to take it. Got it out of my pocket, looked at it and then put it on the bed. Knelt beside my bed and prayed to God for forgivenes. One thing was not done, I remembered I had not written a note. Not wanting to put in trouble the young boy that I am staying with. Went to the sitting room to fetch for a piece of paper to scribble something. 

Sat down on the carpet so weak and very sick inside, I was going to do this one thing just because of love. It is love that has made me go through this, it is love that has made me lose weight on just few days. It was my own love that made me think evil and feel crushed inside.

Phone rings - fish it out of my pocket, who is calling me at this time? Tau... as the number registered.... "Bho bho, mulipo? Just wanted to say hie am getting back in church..... Pweeeeeuuuuuu!! It was this phone call that changed my thinking. ".....What if she still cares so much that she still want to have me? What if she also breaks so much after I do this? Why did she call at this time?" That phone call, saved my life. My mind changed and started thinking positively. 

Thanks for calling me on that second. Eish Lord have mercy on me. God know knows how much I love this girl.

Never Quit

First comes the dream, then comes the struggle, then there is victory........ The problem is most people give up during struggle.... Never knowing how close they were to victory. .... The only way you will fail is if you Quit..... Never  Never QUIT

Me love this

Let Go

"You know what Davie? The best you can do now is to get a life........ there are two ways how to do that: Its either you choose to go away just as you suggested and come but after some time but with something OR do school Davie, do school......." My ears heard this loud and clear... I talked over and over to myself trying to understand between the lines. The words were not from her. She tried to edit and put them in a manner where I could bare it. Trying to figure out how it sounded when she first heard them, just added pain to my heart.

Is it because of my status that I am bound to lose this relationship? Is it because I have no name in the society that I have to face the harsh reality of this life? We may say NO to all this from the the girls perspective, but YES on the other peoples side of view. The damage has been so comprehensive that a heart can not just heal in a day. So many bad things have been said about me some that are not even good for my ears and very disturbing to my heart. But I know for sure she is keeping them for me that one day when all this storm is over, she will sit me down and start narrating them one by one like the Lords blessings

But even if I went to school today and acquired the needed education, will it make the much needed impact and change things in this life in as far as this relationship is concerned? If I went away and seek for a fortune, will it come on a silver platter and transform things  just overnight and change them for the better? All this seem not to make sense to me as what has been damaged has been damaged already. All I can hope for is time, time to heal the wounds and give us the required direction. This has taught me to go back to my drawing board and redo my assignment. Setting up goal and targets for myself is the best solution to all this. Learning it a hard way huh! I am very much ready to work on my life and reorganize it. No one can and will do it for me but me alone.

Waking up to the harsh reality of the earthly life, I have no option but to accept the recipe life has brought on the table for me. No matter how bad the recipe is, food shall always come forth out of it. Will try to prepare the dish for myself. I have to let go not completely but just enough for time to determine our destiny.

Letting Go does not mean forgetting – you can never forget, however you can dull the pain. Letting Go does not mean 'not thinking about the person involved', it does not mean 'not having photos of your loved ones around' it does not mean 'not talking about them'. Letting Go can be done after acceptance so that any tragedy or adversity suffered is not in the forefront of your mind so that you can move on in your life. When I now think of the beautiful times and sweet moments we had about the good life the Lord offered me on this planet

Am having difficulties to fight this desire to dial her number, the feeling so strong and my brain so quick to remember the digits so that I just say "Hallo". Succumbing to the defeat, I pick up that phone. First I send a text and then not satisfied, I dial the number. Just as she is about to pick up, I squirm to the thought of "what if she is not ready to up my call?.... what if she is busy with something" Reaching for the button to cut the line, I just hear the voice, "Hello".... I gather my breathe and halla back. Eish this feeling.... Lord help me to contain myself.

Will always love this girl. Be it if she gets married to someone one day, I will always preach the gospel of my love for her. Thanks for coming along in my life.

You are a great woman, and an amazing woman you shall remain. I miss you and will always do.

a letter to you

Dear Tau,

Hey! My guess is I’m sitting right in front of you right now, and you’re wondering why I don’t just talk to you. Well, the main reason is because I don’t want to mess this up. I’m afraid if we just talk, I’ll miss something and beat myself up on my way home for forgetting. I want to thank you for the things you’ve taught me.

When we met, you were so wonderful; everything about you took my breath away. You were quirky and honest and full of life, I couldn’t help but be near you… by the end of that first night, we were holding hands, And the following day, we couldn’t wait to see each other again; I hope you remember that. It was the night I completely fell in love. Thank you for that. I will carry it with me always. Thank you also, for all the late night talks, the fun and jokes packed phone calls we had. There was always something about the way you listened that made me feel like the only person in the world. It wasn’t always bad between us. I want you to remember that. Thank you for introducing me to that Accapella music and Gods’ Own group. Thank you for taking an interest in learning about my culture. I remember your butchered Tonga sentences- but hey, you were trying. Thank you for missing me when I traveled. I always felt loved, even though you never said it.

You have inspired me to write more, to love more, to be more patient (remember that patience class? Awaiting graduation) and to forgive. I forgive everyone who took part in making me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you. I forgive them for embarrassing me before the world. I forgive them for breaking my heart into a million pieces. Not because I’m better than you, not because I am good but because I’m not angry anymore. You have been the greatest love of my life, thus far; also my greatest disappointment. But even in all of the pain and the hurt, there was growth. I learned not to have boundaries, I was at free range exercising my love with free will, I learned to love out loud. I learned not to wait to share my thoughts and feelings. Let us not let rumors separate us. Issues that we have no proof to, Things that we have no basis to back us up. If you called the people that started this mayhem and ask them why and what is the basis, they will tell you "they were just talking" They didn't mean it to come this far.

I own myself today, because of you. I suppose a big part of me will always love you. That’s what’s most amazing about love, isn’t it? There’s no getting it back once you give it away. Thank you for being a part of my life, even for just the moments we shared. I will keep you close to my heart and hope you will do the same. Promise me you’ll forgive yourself for your part in the ugly things that have transpired between us, let’s not hang on to the past.

With so much belief and hope that you will come back in my life, when you realize we didn’t deserve this break, when mother nature gives us a true reality of what actually went wrong. That time when you will be sure of your own choices in life and let other people respect them, regardless of their status, or how important or influential those people are to (in) our clan.   Until that time then, I will always have you on my mind and you have a special place in my heart. 

I am missing you, I will miss you as more days pass by. I will miss you greatly if you don't come back so soon. Hun trust me, you can do better than this.

Love you always,

What is Love?

It was love that made God create a human being and make him/her into existence. It is the same love that plays part when we see sometimes a man getting attracted to a woman. But my question always has been: " How could life be without a woman on earth and viceversa...?"

As a normal human being, I have felt that love for people before, but I think life wasn't all that sure as to how strong that love is.

One can live life to old age without finding true love. You can get a replica of it and not the mantle sometimes. Sometimes you find your true love when you have a replica in your custody such that you can not denounce and throw away what you have. Many people live in this situation hopping for a miracle to happen for them to get out of the situation. I have been found a victim of such once. But the funny thing is that when you get a replica, you don't realize it till when it's gone that you say "...... aaaaah that wasn't it".

Having gone through such an experience, I think it can not be difficult for me to realise my true love. But let me start with a definition that explain and elaborate the word love:

"Some say it's mysterious, magical, complex, difficult, imaginary, thought-provoking, dangerous, inspirational, intuitional, joyous, immeasurable, ecstasy, suicidal and undefinable" But what about "The willful intent to serve the well being of another"

But despite all the definition that the people of planet earth have put together to describe it, the question still remain as to "What is Love?" As one writer wrote:

"One must understand whether "what is love" can be a question which can be answered? Love cannot be a question. For, if it is a question then an answer should be there. If the answer is there, where is it? This question is ancient and an answer should have been found by now! If the answer has been found, the question would have disappeared.

But the question still remains, meaning the answer has not been found. If it has not been found as yet, then what is the certainty that it will be found? Maybe the mind can never find the answer! A single answer, which will please all minds, is not possible for each mind has its own ideas of love. Hence a universal answer is an illusion.

Individual answers are there for love and for this very reason there are arguments about love for each mind will contradict the answer of another mind. This contradiction is normal for each mind lives in a different point in time. Hence "what is love" is an illusionary question, which has no answer!" - Dr. Vijai S. Shankar

holding you in my arms of dreaming to be with you forever..till the time I am alive.

I will always remember the very first time we met, the very first time my lips touched your lips, the very first time you wrapped your arms around me and rested your head on my shoulder. Your smile your way of looking at me will always be fresh in my memories. 

There are so many lovely memories but the fact remains the memories are not enough to bind us for rest of our lives. I still have some hope deep in my heart that someday my undying love will bring you back in my arms. Your love messages and phone calls to me remind me how much you love me ( or loved me) The picture of your charming smile keep flashing back in front of my eyes; though I know things will never be the same but …. I just can’t stop myself .. I still love you.. I still yearn for your love.

It’s been some days since I saw your lovely face, soon I will be talking of weeks that will turn into months and then into a year; no matter for how many more months I won’t get to see you still your memories and my love for you will never fade away. I leave everything on the destiny; I am sure you still think about me. Though over a period of time I have realized the bitter truth that we can’t be together. I won’t hesitate to say that I am still hanging on to our love.

There are so many unanswered questions in my mind that sometimes it forces me to approach you to get the answers that you even don't have. The desire to say say a final goodbye to you, so strong but I can't live with the fact that I will lose you. NO - I will hold on for you till you return. At the same time I want you to come to a realization where my undying love for you will make you come to me. Sooner or later.. It doesn’t matter .. I am still waiting for you… and will always will. No matter you come to me or not.. I will never have any regrets in life of loving you… of holding you in my arms of dreaming to be with you forever..till the time I am alive.

You are my Namagetsi, my Nyenyezi Titha, the sunshine that shone on my path. Never tired of giving me hope, you were my guardian angel Tau. 

Am waiting for you, I will wait for your come back my love